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Hey all you junkies out there- no plans this Tuesday March 22? Interested in having cheap happy hour drinks, greasy food, and puking in your mouth while listening to me talk about figuring out masturbation? WELL, assuming you are, 3/22/11 at 7pm be at The Palms Bar in West Hollywood! Tammy Jo D. , Myself, and a few other hysterical, filthy, raunchy comedians, probably talking about getting laid in public places all helping you become nauseous while enjoying your meal and lemon drop shot.
Check out for more info on The Palms Bar.
what is this? it’s disgusting? Oh, it’s vitamin water? Uhhh, it needs a cocktail on the side of it or something it so strong and fruity!
Plus- fuck valentines day- i’m gonna beat the shit out of cupid.
These next two weeks in february are going to be crazy, funny, stressful-and beyond hysterical. Tomorrow night, February 5th, i’m opening at The G Lounge with five other comedians, headliner Dakota Black. The show begins at 7pm, $10 cover and NO DRINK MINIMUM- so for the first time, if you’re not a heavy drinker- i support you coming to my show.
The G Lounge 7pm 2/5/10
Then- BIG TIME AND IMPORTANT- so if i have to pay you $20 to laugh just let me know because i will…
“8th Annual Funniest Comic in LA” competition. There are 3 shows- 3 categories all competing vs. each other. New Jack, 2 Year, and headliner- I will be in the New Jack or 2 year depending on the show, but either way the judges are ridiculous, and the 3rd and final round is at Universal Studios- (if i make it, i may not show up and just take shrooms and go on rides all night) My first round is Thursday, February 17th, at The Varsity on Wilshire
Show starts 9pm- and it will be full so come early. 21+, and two item (alcohol or food) (buy me a drink to relax me-)
Finals info to come.
Then- February 25th- Supporting The American Awards of Comedy at The Malo, 7:30 pm, i will be performing with the “Laughing Stock” night/group. So be there, and get me a spot in the stands!
Show is produced by Don Mischer- producer of The Academy Awards- THE AAC or The Comedy Awards will be on national television April 3rd on Comedy Central, VH1, TVLand blahhh.
Pulling into The G Club in Hollywood, me always being one to judge, was ready to turn around and floor it the fuck out of the hood parking lot. But as soon as i took my dick out of my ass and walked in- BAM- flawless. The interior was bangin! Metallic and black, blue and red, and the sound system was off the hook. I opened the show as the first comedian, right after Miss TOI performed songs from her upcoming albumb. (she was in Icecubes’ “you can do it put your back into it”… we all know that song lets face it.) Anyway, the crowed was small but AMAZING, they were hysterical and how do i say… ghetto as hell, and i loved every second of it. The host John Smith (yeah, that’s the real name) of JS Global Entertainment was fucking hysterical and super friendly-
overall- The G Club’s comedy shows are worth every penny, and ridiculously fun to perform at! I’m booked there for the next two shows, Saturday February 5th, and Saturday February 19th. 7pm shows! More info to come!
Here’s The Club’s Video from last night! I pretty much “whipped the shit out of it”
Thursday January 20th, 2011 come see me perform Stand-Up at The Comedy Store at 10 pm along with MATT TAYLOR and some incredibly funny mother fucker’s who probably wont be talking about ass waxing and vegetarians like i will be. $10 cover and 2 drink minimum….get wasted. www.thecomedystore.com for box office info!!
THEN
Saturday January 22, 2011 come see me perform at The G Club on Hollywood Blvd. for the Just Joking Around Comedy Night at 7 pm. And for all you cheap assholes, there is free parking and no drink minimum, but i highly recomend getting trashed unless you are a boring rock and want to bring a knitting set and your dick sucking grandma.
Topics being covered:
Vegetarians are in a cult, ass waxing, bad first dates, drinking, getting “smushed”.
Past competition? Oh fucccck. I better not plan on bombing. Thursday 1/20/11
Everyone knows that one person, the person who eats, breaths, and plans their routine around their daily horoscope. “Sorry, according to the stars a close relative or friend is going to betray me in the near future, so fuck it- i’m not coming home for the holidays. Tell Grandma I said if she is planning on being stingey with the christmas cash, or thinks she can replace the batteries in my dildo when i need it most- consider my flight back canceled.”
Yeah, that person.
So according to Astronomer Parke Kunkel (is the name a joke?) Ophiuchus is the 13th zodiac sign, interrupting Scorpio and Sagittarius and basically shifting most of all the signs datelines.
Ophiuchus? Fuck, that name is not going to fit on an Iphone app, and who knows how to say the name correctly other than the crack head tweaker astronomer himself. That shit sounds like a type of rare sushi! But by far, the best part of the entire thing is-
Remember that Girl in Junior High who boned and banged the Janitors brother (of course they met on myspace… she had good angle shots) and got knocked up? Well, the classy lazy she was, then got the horoscope of her new born baby tattooed between her ass cheeks? Yep… you are fucked…
because your baby aint no aries any more bitch.
Hopefully Christina Ricci is still a Leo… maybe she should have got a tattoo of a memory that lasts…. LIKE CASPER. That movie is always enjoyable from my plane seat.
“Oh that… it’s because i love The Lion King. I’m on the Simba fan page on facebook!”
Want to find me? Use this site to help keep track of my book signings, appearances, upcoming news/events, new books, and stand-up locations! Read my blog and learn about how my crazy mind works, when I step in dog shit, get a bad haircut, fall in love, fall on my face, fall through a glass table, or get kicked out of a bar for throwing a bar stool out into the street.
