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Why am I not getting hits on my ChristianMingle’s profile?

#BOTTOMSUP
Jordan Pease: Bottoms Up Season 1

Jordan Pease
Nationally Touring Comic/Author
Accidentally Okay, a memoir available online & in stores February 2013

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I think it’s easier to paint a picture of the career I almost have, than to belittle this page with imagery and cliché’s about how hard I work. But I can’t draw for shit so…

I’m in my own world 90 percent of the day. The other 10 percent I’m dancing in my underwear to Katy Perry with my blinds wide open.

I kissed a girl and I liked it was ehh’ about it.

I say inappropriate things on stage for money, and write satirical stories about life. Oddly enough, I’m happy. I smile so much it hurts.

On weekdays I’m somewhere touring this ridiculous nation, Idaho, Washington, Texas, Florida, you name the place, and I guarantee you I’ve kissed a baby like a Presidential Candidate there. I live for the days on the road. There is no better feeling than being permanently banned from a historical monument.

I guess I’m rolling out my own red carpet.
Well, more like an acid wash carpet with a few beer stains and a handful of glitter.

This is what freedom feels like.

Come take a ride in my imaginary gold Camaro. We can air-hump for hours. I’m saving up for a pussy wagon…

xxoo,
Jordan Pease
@jordanpease1 twitter/instagram
facebook.com/jordancharlespease

Name: Jordan Pease

Age: How’s the lighting?

Favorite Food: Guacamole / Mediterranean Men

Favorite Song: “Lil Kim: The Jump Off”

Favorite Movie: “10 Things I Hate About You”

Favorite Book: The break up scrapbook I made. (I’m such a lesbian)

Hobbies: Falling in love every nine seconds, giving the finger, getting DUI’s, laughing until I nearly vomit, spontaneous road trips, starting arguments with children, karaoke, snow tubing, and accusing people of having lice.

Role Models: How did I go my entire life without learning what either of those two words meant?

Most Common Phrase: “Oh, this bitch-.” & “Eat me.”

Dream Date: Sharing a strand of spaghetti with Hugh Hefner while simultaneously riding a mechanical bull to “Another One Bites the Dust”.

Why am I not getting hits on my ChristianMingle’s profile?

Jordan Pease

Favorite Kid Summer 14′