Is this my Match.com ad?

Hmmm, a bio? Well, born into a Roman Catholic family of five, and raised in central New Jersey, my only option for lunch was a ham sandwich.  I grew up taking 3 Advil before my soccer game – just in case I was to get injured, and my favorite candy was Tums.  As a pre-teen I commonly experimented with fire and my friends, blowing up hairspray cans and then playing “doctor” in the woods.  When I wasn’t starting forest fires or grabbing my Grandmother’s ass and saying, “What’s up toots?” I was usually day-dreaming about being Usher’s backup dancer- or dying my hair a different color.  At age 14 I was driven home in my first cop car for underage drinking, while some of my close friends were arrested for firing off an unregistered handgun.  As my teenage years continued I successfully discovered how to skip classes, walk to Burger-King, and smoke pot underneath the bleachers while having a steady GPA. of a 2.84.  After I had finished turning my in-ground pool into living salt water aquarium, and had broken 3 windows catapulting medium sized rocks out of our family leaf blower, I decided it was time to take my life in a more serious direction. Like paying out of state tuition at a community college and making out with as many people as I possibly can/could.  My pet peeves consist of friendliness, sobriety, safe driving, snaggled teeth, and of course, Suri Cruise.

Name: Jordan Pease

Age: How’s the lighting?

Favorite Food: Guacamole / Mediterranean Men

Favorite Song: The Anthem Part 2- Blink 182

Favorite Movie: Simple Life Season 2 (post sex tape)

Hobbies: Falling in love every nine seconds, giving the finger, getting DUI’s, laughing until I nearly vomit, spontaneous road trips, starting arguments with children, karaoke, snow tubing, and accusing people of having lice.

Role Models: How did I go my entire life without learning what either of those two words meant?

Most Common Saying: “Do you by any chance, have scurvy.” or anything with the word fuck, in all forms, verb, adjective, interjection

Dream Date: Sharing a strand of spaghetti with Hugh Hefner while simultaneously riding a mechanical bull to “Another One Bites the Dust”.